THIS COMMENT BELOW brought out my FURY! I am so furious on behalf of this poor woman. I want all of you out there to give her the honest best advice you can because my word alone will probably not suffice.
ANONYMOUS SAYS: "I am a non muslim. My boyfriend is Muslim. He has been seeing me in secret from his family. He says he wants to marry me, but his family will not accept me. He introduced me to the mother and she hated me - I am uncovered.My family were none to happy either. Nothing could keep us away from eachother, and so we kept seeing eachother in secret, its been 2 and a half years now, and eventually we started sleeping together. We were very careful: I got the mirena coil which is 99.9% effective contraception. Now, despite a 1 in 1000 chance, I am pregnant and he wants me to have an abortion. He says he cannot bear the humiliation. Humilitation? did you hear that? I am his humilitation. I am still secret from his family: they will never know what I am going through. Maybe some day, this man will marry a nice sweet young pious girl: whilst I carry the scars the rest of my life. He claims he is a devout believer in the will of Allah. Humph. Really doesn't seem that way."
He is most certainly NOT a devout Believer. Abortions!!! Fornication!!! Lying!!! You are not something to be humiliated about! You are a woman whom he took advantage of. As for what to do about the future.
#1 Do not get an abortion. That poor baby is probably quite far along by now and has a soul. For you both to kill that soul is cruel. It's an innocent baby. After it's born you'll look at that face and be in love for the rest of your life.
#2 Get help from your family first. You're going to need their love and support. They wont be happy about this and sure it will cause a lot of drama but they are your family and you need to be open with them. (unless you fear for your life or the life of your child).
#3 Stop seeing this jerk. You may be ga-ga over him but who the heck wants to stay with someone like that, they can't even show your face to his family?!??!
#4 Either after the baby is born or a few months after call his mother and break the good news. Tell them it's your baby and HIS baby and that you will be raising it on your own.
Honestly I don't know how the drama will unfold as I don't know these people but that is my advice. But Please NUMBER ONE is soooooo important ok. I wish you well in this life. Have more respect for your self and your body dear sister and keep it safe for the one who will put a ring on your finger and proudly show you off to his family and will happily show off your baby bump. When you find that man keep him.
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24 comments:
Anonymous should read my post on my Blog where I wrote about a young girl who become pregnant with a Muslim man.
http://chasing-jannah.blogspot.com/2008/08/one-girls-little-tragedy.html
Assalamualaikum
yep i agree with all ur points....astaghfirullah
i'll just re-itterate point 1: NO ABORTION!!its killing ur own child...so yh inshallah i hope this girl gets better
no wonder ppl h8 islam when u get 'muslim' huys like this ..helooo having a girlfriend is haram u no, lol...they just do it 4 fun not realising the consequences astaghfirullah..and inshallah this girl will meet some real muslims nd c what the true islam is!!
First before she see the true Islam is need s needs to move on from this Dear Fellow. because clearly he has issues with his Aqeedah. Well Now she is expecting He cannot marry her until she bares her Load Ie.. had her baby, and He needs to understand And i might be incorrect but He does not need his Parents Permission to marry whom he wills, This brother Clearly does not Fear Allah. but she needs to ask her Self if a person is worth marrying if he has u has a Secret? or he is not shame to Do the grown up with you but shame for u to have his illegitimate child? A man thats wants u to have a Aboration(murder) to hide his sin you still want to marry? this a person you want to be with? he Can Lay down but can't get standup and be a man and Except his sin an seek Tawbaah how is a abortion Tawbaah (seeking forgivness). An Abortion to keep a man Will not help u keep him it only makes u see what kinda person he is. You need to find Islam for your Self and Move on and i say this because he still my brother in the deen Al Islam and if you care you will care for his Well fair do what he cannot do for him self. Move on!! and Keep the baby is is a presious life Marriage want correct the fact this Child is out of wed lock and it want Correct his postion toward his Faith. he needs to correct him self before, and learns his Religion then maybe he can continue with you because this is not stable(ie.. marriage after the baby). once he got his fear of Allah back and if ya'll think it will work. Allahu allim I don't mean any harm or meaness but you brought this upon your self and if you have to carry the weight of it. who you think fault it is? both of yours. YOU Let a man keep you Secret... instead of pleaseing Allah he wants to Please his Family and culture, himself he could have married you from the jump Ie.... if your from Ahul Kitab(people of the book, chaste) you cannot Blame him or feel sorry for your Self it is done stand up and be a mother to your child and don't Worry. rely upon the one who gives. And Learn Islam from the Proofs of Quran and sunnah. May Allah guide you to Islam and help you.
Ummismail
aSSALAMUALAIKUM
btw u spelt it furry as in an animaal is furry lol its fury...just 2 let u no sis ...but yh this is no laughin matter
(ive left my actual comment bout this issue already)
Sister: A man can marry without his family's permission in Islam. A Muslim man that does not marry a woman does not love her, or respect her. It is a truth. My husband married me even though his family did not want it at first. tell him about the baby. tell his mother about the baby. Ask them both if the mother would have wished to have aborted her son and how she would feel if that kind of thing had happened. Does a woman deserve to be asked to kill for anyone? No. In Islam a woman deserves to have a man promise to marry her and meet various requirements BEFORE he even holds her hand.
Thank you everybody. I am keeping my child - I cannot go through with it. What will be will be, and as scary as it all is: I feel very good and very strong about it. Bless you all,
*EDITED* LISA SAYS:
Astaghfirullah. I guess we should be glad he wasn't trying to do some of the other stereotypes like not take her virginity if you know what I mean, but arggghhh!
I hope that she proudly shows off her baby bump, and that her family helps her out. There is no way she should abort. The only thing I wish there was more of at the masjid is help for someone in this predicament. But, Alhamdulillah it is pretty rare.
As always your beautiful post has brought tears to my eyes sweet sister. It was only a few weeks ago that husband said he wanted me to abort if I accidentally got pregnant. Not happening!
(Lisa you know which part I had to remove ok. Nothing personal but please keep it out of future comments or I will have to keep editing them and I don't like to do that really. Thank you)
Thank you all for helping out this poor sister.
Anon sister, I'm so glad you decided to keep it, what a relief. It may be hard in the short term but years down the road as you watch that child grow up You will never regret it.
HAL Thanks! I didn't even catch that and neither did my spell checker because furry is a word. i will have to change that.
I had a friend in a similar situation a few years ago. She was dating this Pakistani Muslim guy, she eventually lost her virginity to him (she was a practicing Catholic who didn't believe in pre-martial sex or abortions before he came along). When she eventually got pregnant, he convinced her to have an abortion. They were even secretly married before she had the abortion (it was so her parents wouldn't find out because they would disown her, if they found out she got an abortion, especially if she was married at the time.) Well her parents did find out about the marriage (not the abortion) and told her she should live with her husband like a proper wife. She now lives in a two bedroom apartment with 11 people, has no contact with former friends and has limited contact with her family. She had to change majors because his needs and his family needs came before her graduating her major. She had to leave a profession and major she loved for something she could actually manage to graduate with. This woman corrupted her beliefs and soul for a mortal male who was a bad Muslim. He would drink liqueur and thought abortion was okay. I am not a Muslim and I know that is a big NO NO in his faith. This woman should do whats best for her and her child (keep it, closed adoption, open adoption, etc.) Because that man has turned his back on his faith and is treating her like a object to own. Islam is not about the subjugation of women despite what some non-Muslim and Muslim males think or act like. A good Muslim male would love to show you off to his family because he would regard you as family.
Assalamualaikum
lol its ok, im lyk dat wid my spellin lol i always point out spellin mistkes to my m8s (well course on the internet i write slang lol)but i cud see urs was proper english lol ...hey i got a suggestion ..how bout doin a post on muslim trannies and gays..astaghfirullah i cant believe that there were such ppl but there are and i saw on a sister blog these videos about it uggh.
i no u done that one bout the gay guy and his wife but how about a transvestite one?
and add a few bits about how its haram..cus i think some ppl dont no it is.
and add this quote:'God created Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve'
lol so even in christianity nd islam we cnt be gay lesbian lol
anyways sis take care
pixie, do you hve children with your husand?
No problem sister. And I totally understand. Will watch for that inshallah. Love you so much!
He did want to take me to his family at the beginning and they went crazy, they cussed and insulte me and they told me I was an embarrassment and what would people think of a different race girl with uncovered hair? He did try to do things properly in the beginning, but his family chewed him up and spit him out. Maybe that should be a post as well, families who ush their children to live secret lives by not accepting that they do not have absolute control over them.
My husband knew of a brother at the masjid that was seeing a non muslim (dating) and got her pregnant. His girlfriend decided to keep the baby and he had plans to marry her but the brothers at the masjid and his family decided on an intervention. They convinced him that she is no good and to dump her and find a muslim woman to marry since she wouldnt convert. They then told him that because they had a baby out of wedlock islamically hes not held responsible therefore doesnt need to contact her or find out about the baby. He left his pregnahnt girlfriend and is now looking for a muslim woman to marry. So disgusting how he thinks its his gf's fault and that he can just get any woman pregnant and leave and not have any responsibility because they werent married
Asalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu
''That poor baby is probably quite far along by now and has a soul. For you both to kill that soul is cruel. ''
I have to say thats sent shivers down me - ASTAGFIRULLAH. I dont agre with abortion at all but reading that line hit me...
Sis - ims o glad you are keeping the baby- i dont jave children of my own but am fully awar of how much joy they bring...
Subhanallh - They truly are wonderful beings
Sister I will pray for you and your babys health and wellbeing insh'Allah
x
Anonymous: Is it important? I don't. I used to work with orphans, and I lost some of them (they were killed in a war) and I am a bit scared to be a parent. My husband is okay if we never have kids, but I don't know if my MIL will be. We are both still very young, and alhamdulilah, have lots of time to think on the issue. Plus, I have a bit of a medical issue that makes it a bit of work to get pregnant, so we really have to try to make it work, but it is really a miracle that I can at all, so alhamdulilah. Everything in my life has worked out so far so I don't know what I wanton this matter, I leave it to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala to guide me, inshaAllah kheir.
My sisters Hindu bf had the same problem as Ms. Anon. ex-bf did with the family pressure driving them apart. His response, to my sister, 'If my family cannot except the woman I choose to marry. Then I need to move away and keep in touch long distance.' My sister is a Christian and his mother was so not happy about that. But he cares for both his mom and sister but he would never dump my sister or hide her in shame. If he had to choose he would choose not hide it and knock a girl up.
Haven't read other comments but apart from the points you have mentioned in ur post the second MOST important point after the 1st one is to PLZ NOT generalize all Muslim men to be the same. Also, to remember that his behavior has nothing to do with Islam. I PRAY we all sisters both Muslims and non muslims are protected from such men! Ameen
It just sickens me when supposedly 'muslim' guys do this to girls and then reject their children and the woman that they lied to in order to coerce her to sin. The poor girl will have a hard time ever trusing another person who claims to be a Muslim unless someone comes to her aid from the Ummah.
Asslamu alekium sister,
First of all, JazakAllah Khair for defending our beloved Islam. I have one million percent respect for you for that. I too have issues that upset me greatly, especially issues on immodesty. But in all respect sister, why must you be so angry? Don't the fires of your anger poison you and keep you up at night? It would for me, if I was that upset. I'm not trying to get you to change the focus of your blog but insha-Allah I hope you'll take some time to get to know the sisters who are all about humbleness, purity, modesty and goodness. Let Allah SWT in his infinite power deal with the sinners. Judging by your comments here, it sounds like you have made a lot of friends and I think that's great. Just my opinion, offered with love from a fellow sister on the path to Jannah. Thanks for listening....Noor
It is extremely unfortunate that Islam is represented by so many men who parade themselves a believers but who put aside the deen at the drop of their pants in order to fulfill their lusts.
We women must stop given into these weak and incomplete beings who have the emotional and social maturity of toddlers. I pray that this young woman's ordeal will not prejudice her against Islam and ALL Muslim men. There are some good ones out there but women/sisters, we must take the time to find them out.
Just because his name is Abdullah Islam Muslim does not mean he is MUSLIM. He just has a Muslim name. What is his character? If he cannot marry you because of his family's disapproval, then don't give yourself to him. HE AIN"T WORTH IT!!!! Respect yourself.
Find a man who will accept you and whose family will accept you.It will be well worth the time and effort. Study your deen. Be strong. Trust that Allah will provide you with a suitable and stable mate. If someone comes along who you think is the right one MAKE ISTIKHARAH regarding him. Allah will guide you aright if you want to be guided.
I just awarded you at my public blog! Love you lots!
Sister! I was in a similar situation, but me and the man (now my husband) had only been together for 6 months when I got pregnant...how scary! His parents did know about me, but always expected him to forget about me when he graduated and marry a nice girl back home.
When we first found out we were both sooo scared. He even mentioned abortion in his fear, but i quickly said "no! I am having this baby. God would not have given me this baby if he didn't want me to have it."
It was scary to disappoint my parents, but they supported me through everything even through their hurt. When he told his parents they were first very angry...saying things like, "we don't want this Christian baby" and implying that I was a whore.
I understand that these words were said in hurt and disappointment, though. These words were said by a mother just finding out that her son was not coming home and leading the life that she planned for him after college.
We are married now and have a very good relationship with both his and my parents. While they may have said hurtful things in the beginning, they always asked how I was doing throughout the pregnancy and once the baby got here they were constantly calling and asking for updates and pictures.
Do not get an abortion, sister. i know we are not the same and maybe things will not work out so nicely with your boyfriend and his and your parents. No matter what happens with them, though, that baby inside of you is destined to bring you more than enough joy to cancel the pain of their (possible) rejection.
My son's smile is the most beautiful thing. Sometimes I just stare at him amazed by how perfect he is. God created this one of a kind baby just as he created you to be the perfect mother for this baby. I've walked this road, and it's a tough one full of judgmental people. Once you feel that first kick of your baby, though, none of that matters.
It is a very hard life to be a single mother, and not have father's support to raise this child. However, this baby will be the joy of your life inshaAllah. First you will get a sweet smile from it at one month, then after few months word "mama" and later when he/she runs to you, you will know you did the right thing. However, be careful about the baby's father. No one wants a screaming infant, but as the child gets older, cuter, becomes more independent and easier to care for, suddenly the father may show up and demand his rights. And if you are a Christian, may be even to try to take the child from you, so he/she can grow up in a proper Muslim environment. You will never find your kid in his country of origin especially if you dont speak the lanugage, after he takes the child for his "custodial weekend visit". Think about it now before your child is born. And see an attorney.
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